Wednesday, 25 May 2011

An imagined meeting of Chuck Blazer and his informant on Jack Warner's pirate ship

Blazer was stunned by what his informant told him

Down in the bowels of his ship, the Concacaf Cutlass, Cap'n Jack Warner smiled as he plotted and schemed what he was going to do with all these bags of money. Little did he know, however, up on the poop deck and disguised as a rum merchant, a former accomplice of Cap'n Jack's was deep in conversation with the ship's mandatory parrot.

Parrot informant (whispering): So what do you want to know?
Chuck Blazer: What have you got for me? It's taken ages to grow this disguise, so it'd better be worth it. I used to look just like Michael Douglas, you know?
Parrot: Well, he's down there now, counting the money.
CB: What money? This sounds juicy.
Parrot: The money that was meant for the children.
CB: Which children?
Parrot: The Children of FIFA™.
CB: *gasps*
Parrot: Oh yes.
CB: Not the ones that FIFA pledged to help? But I thought all the money was put into brown bags and loaded onto the Good Ship FIFA™ to set sail for FIFA's Worthy Oil-Rich Partner Countries™ where it would be invested in developing football for poor and needy kids?
Parrot: It was.
CB: So how's Cap'n Jack got his hands on it?
Parrot: The Concacaf Cutlass intercepted the ship.
CB: No!
Parrot: It was swift and bloodless. Those manning the Good Ship FIFA™ got their cut, and all parties agreed to say that it was the Somalians. But it wasn't. It was Cap'n Jack.
CB: This is incredible. With this knowledge I can finally report back to Uncle Sepp and we can nail this rotter.
Parrot: I'll be expecting to get Jérôme Valcke's job in return for this information, you know, as well as $5 million in a lump-sum payment.
CB: That won't be a problem, I'll sort it with Sepp. That's not double standards, right?
Parrot: No, no it isn't. Great. Transfer it to my Mastercard account please.
CB: I'm afraid we only deal with Visa. They're a Special Friends Forever Key Partner™ you see?
Parrot: Was that a veiled dig at Valcke? I'm not sure all the readers will get it.
CB: Mmm. I'm increasingly doubting whether they're finding the Warner/pirate comparison amusing too.
Parrot: So what's the point of this blog then?
CB: Good question.
Parrot: I might go now. I think the problem with this post is that most people are more interested in Sepp trying to nail his rival Bin Hammam for corruption. It looks a bit silly on Sepp's part really doesn't it. I mean, come on! Meanwhile Warner's something of a side story.
CB: Yes, but it's not as easy to peg a visual gag on Bin Hammam as this was. Plus I only had a lunch break and I still need to buy a sandwich.
Parrot: Nobody's reading this now anyway. Just go.
CB: Yeah, I should probably go and sit looking brilliant in the front row of a major football summit or something...


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