Wednesday, 25 May 2011

An imagined meeting of Chuck Blazer and his informant on Jack Warner's pirate ship

Blazer was stunned by what his informant told him

Down in the bowels of his ship, the Concacaf Cutlass, Cap'n Jack Warner smiled as he plotted and schemed what he was going to do with all these bags of money. Little did he know, however, up on the poop deck and disguised as a rum merchant, a former accomplice of Cap'n Jack's was deep in conversation with the ship's mandatory parrot.

Parrot informant (whispering): So what do you want to know?
Chuck Blazer: What have you got for me? It's taken ages to grow this disguise, so it'd better be worth it. I used to look just like Michael Douglas, you know?
Parrot: Well, he's down there now, counting the money.
CB: What money? This sounds juicy.
Parrot: The money that was meant for the children.
CB: Which children?
Parrot: The Children of FIFA™.
CB: *gasps*
Parrot: Oh yes.
CB: Not the ones that FIFA pledged to help? But I thought all the money was put into brown bags and loaded onto the Good Ship FIFA™ to set sail for FIFA's Worthy Oil-Rich Partner Countries™ where it would be invested in developing football for poor and needy kids?
Parrot: It was.
CB: So how's Cap'n Jack got his hands on it?
Parrot: The Concacaf Cutlass intercepted the ship.
CB: No!
Parrot: It was swift and bloodless. Those manning the Good Ship FIFA™ got their cut, and all parties agreed to say that it was the Somalians. But it wasn't. It was Cap'n Jack.
CB: This is incredible. With this knowledge I can finally report back to Uncle Sepp and we can nail this rotter.
Parrot: I'll be expecting to get Jérôme Valcke's job in return for this information, you know, as well as $5 million in a lump-sum payment.
CB: That won't be a problem, I'll sort it with Sepp. That's not double standards, right?
Parrot: No, no it isn't. Great. Transfer it to my Mastercard account please.
CB: I'm afraid we only deal with Visa. They're a Special Friends Forever Key Partner™ you see?
Parrot: Was that a veiled dig at Valcke? I'm not sure all the readers will get it.
CB: Mmm. I'm increasingly doubting whether they're finding the Warner/pirate comparison amusing too.
Parrot: So what's the point of this blog then?
CB: Good question.
Parrot: I might go now. I think the problem with this post is that most people are more interested in Sepp trying to nail his rival Bin Hammam for corruption. It looks a bit silly on Sepp's part really doesn't it. I mean, come on! Meanwhile Warner's something of a side story.
CB: Yes, but it's not as easy to peg a visual gag on Bin Hammam as this was. Plus I only had a lunch break and I still need to buy a sandwich.
Parrot: Nobody's reading this now anyway. Just go.
CB: Yeah, I should probably go and sit looking brilliant in the front row of a major football summit or something...

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

PRESS RELEASE: Narrow The Angle retires from international football

Narrow The Angle delivered his news to a gathering of
England fans in Trafalgar Square this lunchtime.
10 May 2011 (London, UK) – An open letter from Narrow The Angle to the FA and Fabio Capello

Dear The FA,

After much soul-searching, I have decided to retire from international football.

After being consistently overlooked by a succession of England managers – despite some average-to-patchy form for my local pub side, for whom I have contributed a less-than-dazzling 11 goals in 60 games – I have decided to focus on my club game and withdraw my availability for international selection in the future. I hope that in time you will accept and understand my decision.

I realise this may come as a surprise, given that I am currently uncapped, but since another footballing no-mark like Ben Foster has retired from international football today, I feel it's the right moment to join this trendy bandwagon and free up extra time to concentrate on other commitments, including online poker and drinking. I also wanted to get there before Shaun Wright-Phillips.

You may remember that I wrote to you in 2008 stating that I was considering my international future then. This was in response to the devastating events of 8 September 2008, when the football world was left reeling after the twin international retirements of both Paul Parry (Wales) and Lee McCulloch (Scotland) on the same day – two gargantuan blows to future World Cups and European Championships in anyone's book. Tempted as I was to make it a hat-trick that day, I reconsidered after scoring a goal for the pub team the same evening that the opposition captain described not only as "alright", but also "quite good".

However, the best part of three more years has elapsed and still no call-up has been forthcoming. It's time to go out with my head held high.

I would request that the media respect my privacy at this time, and that the press do not launch any kneejerk campaigns calling for my immediate selection to the squad. I have made my decision and will stand by it.

Narrow The Angle

PS - Carlton Cole, you might want to join me? Anyone else?


Bournemouth in the League One playoffs.

Without really courting it, I seem to have become one of the go-to guys in the blogosphere for comments about AFC Bournemouth. I've done a couple of interviews this week, firstly with The Seventy Two, an excellent site that covers all 72 Football League clubs, and secondly with the Peterborough United Football Blog, who wanted to hear from fans of the other three clubs in the playoffs.

Do have a look. Whatever happens in the playoffs, it's been an incredible two years to be a Bournemouth fan.

Monday, 9 May 2011

My Favourite XI

The chaps at Two Footed Tackle have been running a popular 'My Favourite XI' series in recent months. I've been thoroughly enjoying them, but couldn't resist lowering the tone slightly with my own crackpot effort. If you fancy a read, here's a link: My Favourite XI.

And when you've finished, perhaps take a look in the archive at some of the efforts from people who approached the exercise more seriously than I did.